BROOKLYN, NY– My parents enrolled me in t-ball at the age of four. Ever since the first time I stepped on that baseball field and touched the bright orange clay that stained my adolescence, sports have been my life. I am now 22. Trying to navigate who I am apart from being an athlete.

Growing up emersed in sports feels like quicksand. At first glance it seems to be something inviting, a substance that appears to be fun to play with. Until, you step into it and realize that you are sinking. For me, Sports was holding me back from finding who Ashley was.

For the longest I blamed my dad for the unhappiness I felt while playing sports. He grew up playing baseball and wanted so badly for me to follow in his footsteps. Attending every game to critique the smallest things like my foot placement on the as I touch home plate. No matter how good I was, I was never good enough. I quit after my 8^th grade year.

He wasn’t the deciding factor for me quitting the sport entirely. My looks played a huge role in how I was received in the sport. There were not many black girls playing softball where I grew up in Florida. I was also always the tallest one. I was stuck on 1^st base and center field so that I could use my height to “my” advantage. Truly the only thing benefitting from this decision was the team. I belonged in center field, chasing balls down, and throwing people out at home. This was the first time I regretted being a team player and not putting my best interest at the forefront.

I was a timid child, still am deep down inside. I didn’t have parents that would argue with the coaches for me or bribe them with my donations. I didn’t have connections to better programs or schools.  Although I wasn’t aware of it then, we had no say. The only thing keeping me on the travel team was my undeniable talent.

I decided to take up volleyball after being recruited by the coach of my middle school team.

It was the fresh start I thought I needed, a sport that my dad knew nothing about. Boy was I wrong. Apparently, my dad played volleyball everyday while he was in the Air Force. I started playing the sport a lot later than the other girls on my team. Receiving dirty looks when I would make silly mistakes. They could not fathom that the coach was taking extra time with me. They began to ostracized me and make comments on my deservingness to be on the team. That made me work ten times harder to prove them wrong.

Travel volleyball really opened my eyes to the politics that go into sports. I was used to being the only black girl on the team but this was different. The year was 2015, I was playing in Omaha, Nebraska, at the Northern Lights Qualifier. More specifically I was playing with a 16U elite team only being freshly 15. I remember the day like it was just yesterday. All my hard work had paid off and my coach finally believed I was ready to have a starting position. I rose to the occasion. Having one of the best games of my life.

Everyone was elated, even players from the other team were praising my performance. All was going great until I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw my teammates dad screaming at our coach. It was the dad of the girl whose spot I just took. He was furious, pointing his finger in our coaches face in front of everyone.

“A black girl is not going to play over my daughter”

I was hurt, but what hurt me even more was the next game I was benched. I cried on the sidelines. It was just a taste of how unfair this world could be. I continued to play to earn a scholarship for school. That was the only reason I continued to play, to set myself up for something more. Deep down I knew the love for sports had died.

College athletics is nothing like how they make it seem in the movies. I developed performance anxiety after my freshman year. The verbal abuse and mind games that I endured during that season I do not wish on my worst enemy. It was also the first time I was required to weigh myself. It got to the point where I was afraid to lift my shirt in practice out of fear of being called a “skinny fat girl” by my head coach. I stopped eating, becoming the skinniest I’ve ever been. I was praised for it by my equally toxic teammates.

I was malnourished. You could see it in my eyes and my performance. I had nothing left to give. Covid saved me. Those months where we were stuck in the house were some of my best days at the time. I had no fear of being late to a 6am practice. I fell in love with the idea of food. I was surrounded by people who cared how I was doing mentally.

The decision to give up sports at the end of my junior season was not a hard one. I had gotten to a point where Ashley was good enough for me. I started to believe that I could do anything I set my mind to. I realized that I was more than my athletic ability, my purpose was more than that.

I am a human with real emotion. Student athletes are not robots with the sole purpose to perform. We have interests outside of sports and go through tragedies out of our control. We get sick and we have bad days. We are humans with feelings.

With that being said, I am thoroughly enjoying my life as a NARP (Normal Average Regular Person).

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   What an amazing collection of thoughts and discoveries!!! Sharing yourself with others to allow others to learn and become empowered…