Ashley Gonzalez
May 1, 2023
We all have scars. Some are visible for the whole world to see and some can’t be seen with the naked eye, yet we hold those closest to our hearts. Scars can be seen as a set back. A bump in the road in the midst of this long journey we call life. Truthfully, scars make you beautiful. They represent obstacles you have overcome. Symbolizing how your mind and body worked together to make you whole again. Scars make you complete. Scars make you, you.
Doubt is the killer of all dreams. It will hold you back from becoming your fullest potential. The negative voice in the back of your mind telling you that you are not enough. Ignore it, we all have it. What separates being good from being great, is the will to believe. Belief that what is meant for you will find you. Our paths are all unique. We come from different walks of life. And yet, we are still sitting here together in this moment. Celebrating excellence, and academic achievements.
There is so much pressure on what our futures should look like. I was in kindergarten, the first time I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I answered with confidence,
“I want to be the first women president.” Who knows I still might be one day? Receiving the generic response of how important it is for children to dream. Adults always encourage your dreams until you get to the age of 18, now it’s all about being realistic.
In May of 2016, I got into an accident that changed the entire course of my life. The initial moments after the crash my mind went blank. In that instance I was not thinking of my future or the opportunities I may have lost. All because I wanted to race go-karts after school with my friends. I always missed opportunities to spend time with my friends because of volleyball. If it wasn’t practice during the weeks, I was in a different state on the weekends playing 15 matches over the course of the weekend. I heard the sounds of whistles and balls bouncing in my sleep. But it was what I loved to do.
I just wanted to hang out with my friends just this one time. Did this one decision cost my future? The ambulance arrived to the scene. I’m not sure how I got out of the go-kart, but that’s not important.How am I going to pay for these damages. My mom is going to kill me! The EMT’s asked me if I could stand up. I went to put my hands on the ground to gain some leverage. I couldn’t feel the ground, only numbness. Looking down at my arms touching the ground, I started to panic. Soon realizing that I had broken my left arm.
You know the moment where you feel like passing out but the fear won’t let you. Did I fuck up my future? I’ve never been in an ambulance before. Did you know one ride in an ambulance can run you for 1000 dollars? That seems criminal. The first thing my mother said to me when she arrived to my hospital room was, “What about volleyball?” Not how are you feeling or even are you okay. The thing I love about our generation is that we lead with our hearts and are very empathetic. Millennials on the other hand are savage.
A broken humerus. No more volleyball and no more modeling contract. I’m off track, what am I going to do. All athletes know the reality of getting hurt right before the start of your junior year. Essentially, it’s a signal to all coaches that you are damaged goods. Junior season is hands down the most important time for recruitment and I sat for 75% of it.
In order to return to the court, I had to undergo two invasive arm surgeries to mend my broken bone. The first was unsuccessful, resulting in my elbow fusing from having my arm positioned in a sling for an extensive period of time. I was declared as handicap. The odds of me ever playing again, had been demolished. I didn’t lose hope.
My life consisted of doctor appointments. Desperate to find one who believed they could fix my arm. 2 hours from my house in Westin, Florida, I found the women who saved my volleyball career. She gave me hope after months of bad news. 1 plate and 12 screws later I could begin my recovery process.
It wasn’t easy and most times I felt like giving up. The only thing that motivated me to keep pushing were my dreams and aspirations. Without them you have no motive to do anything. The thing that most people forget about their reality, is that they control it.
I decided to take control of mine. Temporary satisfaction was no longer a desire of mine. I needed to get back on the court. Ready and willing to die trying, I prevailed. I played in the State Championships my junior year, wonky arm and all. It didn’t matter because I did it.
I went on to receive a D1 scholarship in my senior year. St.Francis college gave me the opportunity to lay roots in a the city that I went to sleep dreaming about. It also facilitated a lot of life long friendships for me. Now that I did the work to recover physically, I had an even tougher battle ahead of me. I was so focused on playing volleyball again that I forgot about the other things I loved to do before my injury. So unaware of the mental challenges that follow a traumatic event.
I never knew that my scar would bother me so much. The constant questions and looks. Always having to explain my story. At one point I saw it as something unique that no one else had. It slowly developed into one of my biggest insecurities. It took me 4 years to start reaching out to modeling agencies. Restricting myself to only long sleeves, I tried to hide this part of me from the world.
I was blinded to all of my accomplishments. It became impossible not to hyper fixate on something that I could not control. I spoke in to existence all of my dreams and aspirations. Yet, I had no hope of them ever coming true.
One day I received a Instagram DM from a big modeling agency here in NYC. My excitement was overthrown by doubt. What if they made a mistake and will change their mind when they see me and my scar. The universe gave me the push I needed. I showed up to the meeting and within seconds I was embraced with love. Surrounded by people who validated me and my journey. People who saw the beauty in me and my scar.I signed a contract that day, getting everything I lost back times ten. Learning that everything in life serves a purpose. It may not be clear today but that is okay.
“Nothing is absolute. Everything changes, everything moves, everything revolves, everything flies and goes away.” – Frida Kahlo
Life is an uphill battle. Some days you will lose the fight. The journey would not be worth it if you didn’t learn anything from it. My question to you is, how long will it take you to get up? Pain is temporary, but living a life full of what ifs hurts more than anything imaginable. Lead with light and never forget that we all have scars. These scars make us who we are.
ASHTALK 
What an amazing collection of thoughts and discoveries!!! Sharing yourself with others to allow others to learn and become empowered…